Survival Guide for the Touring Musician
by Chazz Honeycutt
So your band fooled some sucker into thinking you’re worth a shit.
Well go make the best of it kiddo, cuz the clock is tickin'!
Here are a few tips...
UK
While in the UK, it’s always a good idea to try what is commonly known as 'poppers'. Never mind the head splitting pain. It’s legal, you can get high as fuck and it relaxes your shitpipe for when you pass out and get sodomized by the bartender. You’ll thank me one day.
The desk clerk at the Columbia hotel shared that little gem of information with me. The Columbia is London's answer to Tijauna; trade
Mexican pimps and hookers for shitty band dudes and lurkers and presto, fiesta!
"Somehow" my band got 86'd from the place a few years back. Figures that the one hotel that is almost impossible to get kicked out of we’d manage to be put on the front page in their black folder of unwelcome guests.
Ask to see it. It’s fuckin funny. We have to check in under assumed names now.
And for anyone getting into the field of dentistry you might want to look into moving there. Monopoly much? It’d be like having a hotel on Boardwalk.
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GERMANY
In Germany the hookers wear white ski parkas. I just saved you an uncomfortable 15 minute conversation you were going to have involving a girl wearing latex pants with whom you would try and solicit sex.
That’s just how they dress.
Sprockets.
You’re welcome.
Oh, and make sure the girls not "packing a lunch". They can be pretty convincing. I once had a tour manager run out of an establishment in The Rippabaun screaming "it’s a bloke!"
NETHERLANDS
I’m gonna guess you already have a handle on what goes down in Amsterdam.
Check out the museum of torture though. That shits rad.
I heard H.R. Geigers got a bar there. I wonder if they have Korn in the jukebox.
a.d.i.d.a.s.? ...Thanx, I’ll pass.
SPAIN
Spain’s awesome. “Apparently" they have "the bomb hash" there too.
Getting tooted with exotic girls is so in right now.
P.S. Spanish fly causes priapism. Look it up.
SWITZERLAND
While traveling through the beautiful countryside of Switzerland, be sure to brush up on your German again. 74% of the country speaks it. Groeppensex is a must know.
I once had a threesome with two Swiss girls...one of them had a diamond in her tooth. If it wasn’t for that word I wouldn’t be telling you that story right now.
Don’t forget to look out the window though. I’m not kidding. It’s gorgeous.
AUSTRIA
I saw slash naked in Austria.
I was stoked.
That’s all.
SWEDEN
You know the stuff that’s on climax control condoms that numbs your shit? I’d recommend looking into what that is and getting a tube of it for when you’re in Sweden. Swedes are the human embodiment of Spanish fly and we already learned about priapism right? Put it on before you get off the plane. Don’t embarrass yourself by walking around with a boner. It’s not like you’re actually gonna pull any ass anyways. Those dudes are way hotter than you. 'Nuff said.
If someone convinces you to a wine glass chewing competition...do it.
Drink the wine first so you’re not sober, and make sure you win. My friend ended up severing his lip and damaging nerves in it. He talks like a halftard now while I walked away unscathed and victorious.
This was also where we invented "the dual". For this you will need one glove and a can of beer. Slap a friend in the face with the glove; drink half the beer, stand back to back, take 10 paces, turn, throw can at friends head. If he moves you get to punch him in the face. If you miss he gets to do it to you.
Stay away from community eating. We all came back with Sweden’s answer to ecoli after the '04 Hultsfred festival. While losing 10 lbs is never a bad thing, parasites in your stomach are rather uncomfortable.
IRELAND
If you ever find yourself sick in Ireland look up U2's old touring doctor. They call him the rock doc. Get it? Yeah...it sux, but the dude rules!
He'll tell you stories about doing a kilo of Columbia’s finest export with Bono in the 80’s and how he was "a pretentious cunt".
A shot in the ass of b12 and you’re good to go, patty!
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JAPAN
In Japan buy a porn card in the hallway on the way to your hotel room.
It’s like a porn credit card. You slide it into your TV’s porn ATM and voila. You’ve all heard what kind of freaky shit they’re into. A few hours of "water sports" are never a bad idea when you’re wide eyed at 4 in the morning. Don’t actually try the subway groping though...that’ll get you in trouble.
There’s a bar in Osaka called "rock rock". The bartender’s name is Yoko (not kidding). She’s the shit. Check out the Polaroids on the wall of all the shitty bands. We made everyone take their shirts off and take one with us. It’s epic.
I’d also advise getting a massage from a local. Just make sure you watch your possessions. I had a girl steal my t-shirt once. Walking through the lobby of a fancy hotel shirtless during commuter hours is definitely frowned upon.
Oh, the irony.
AUSTRALIA
Anything goes in Australia. These people are savages. They’re descendents of criminals. Take this into account when a girl grabs a knife and cuts you across the gut mid coitus. Can’t hate her for it.
She’s a savage.
The nude beaches are legit. Check out the gold coast. I almost thought it was heaven till I saw a dude with a back piece of Limp Bizkit’s first record cover. "Apparently" a friend of mine grows "the dank" up the street a ways. Find him and you’re stoked. He’s probably wearing black rimmed glasses and a red and white striped sweater.
Not that I condone this activity, but if you partake in partying with the "ground unicorns horn", I’d think twice about horkin that shit up your nose here. Think about how many countless miles that had to sit in some dead baby or worse yet, some dudes ass. This goes for Japan as well.
CANADA
Don’t believe the hype. Canada sucks.
