A brave single guy ventures out to look for love in a really wrong place… The netherworld.
No one claims that dating these days is easy – some might even suggest that today’s social scene is just plain dead. So when the “live ones” get away from you at the gym or the club, you may have to start looking elsewhere to find that special someone. The hotties of the past may be out of your league, but hey, it’s not like they’re getting a lot of play these days…
PART 1 – ALL ABOUT EVE
The original babe. Now, I know that the thought of dating Eve (the real First Lady, so to speak) may seem incestuous for those who consider her the great-great-great-great-infinity-great-grandmother of mankind, but you gotta admit – the girl’s got it going on! Strong-willed, decisive, independent… and so naughty!
But let’s put aside the entire biblical backlash regarding “The Apple Incident” for a minute, and focus on something else – her wardrobe. I’m sure we all agree that the whole fig leaf fashion thing really makes Eve irresistible. Yes, she’s a tease of biblical proportions, and yes, she has her way of getting a man to do whatever she wants, but who can say “no” to a woman wearing nary a stitch, save for a precariously-placed plant petal? That mental picture has forever titillated many a parochial schoolboy trying to get through the Book of Genesis without thinking impure thoughts.
I had decided to ask Eve out during the autumn months, hoping for a little – heh heh -- natural fallout. Imagine my dismay when, upon meeting Eve at a local cafe, I found her decked out in a Donna Karin business suit – a pantsuit, no less. No skimpy tree-thong as I had anticipated – although her smart velvet outfit was a plush green.
We made some awkward small-talk, and then she related how her life had pretty much been “fruitless” since breaking up with Adam, and how the boys were practically killing each other without a father figure around. I quickly changed the subject to gardening, which reminded her of happier times. Ten minutes later, the waiter brought us rib dinners and appletinis. We shared a sumptuous fruit dessert, at her prompting. When the bill arrived, I commented how inexpensive the meal was. “And it was good,” Eve added.
We decided to catch a classic movie -- I thought she might like the cult film “East of Eden,” but Eve suggested “A Touch of Evil.” Good flick. Screen siren Marlene Dietrich was a sexy standout, and I made a mental note to try and ask her out in the weeks to come. Why not? She’s dead, isn’t she?
I invited Eve back to my place, but to be honest, I didn’t think she’d bite. To my surprise, she whispered that a nightcap sounded good. Once inside, she ran right into the bedroom, and when I followed her, I saw that she had stripped off all her clothes save for floral panties and a pair of boots -- snakeskin, as far as I could make out.
Speaking of making out, we did… and as we began to get closer to climbing that stairway to heaven, gradually it became all about Eve -- her comfort, her pleasure, her orgasm. Finally, in exasperation, I blurted, “Madam, I’m not Adam!” Wrong move. She banished me from her bedroom and told me to hit the gate. Talk about “almost paradise.”
Next Time: Part 2 – Clubbin’ with Cleopatra
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